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Funny $hit

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Michael's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." Michael's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......", then the electric power goes out. Michael's wife is very upset and, with a worried look on her face, she says, "Honey, I don' know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in Michael's voice, like all the men who are married to blondes exhibit, Michael says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.
 
Guy goes in and the Captain Asks a Question.
"Who killed Carman Sandiago?"
Guy says "Gee, I don't know."
The Captain tells him, "Go home and think about it
for bit and come back in the Future."

The guy goes home, later after some Brews,
his wife asked him how his
first day went at the academy, and he says to her,
"You won't believe it! My first day on the job and
they assigned me to a murder case!"
 
If Gravity is actually just the speed you're falling at, so you speed up and that's your weight?
So that explains bending of Space time. You know all the fat on you has become great friends
over time with the speed of it all !
 
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
 
Guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog.
“I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq and now
I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
Guy's flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would
you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
Owner says, “Because he’s a liar, he never did any of that
 
Guy goes to the Doc, says, "Doc I can't crap." & fills out the comments section.
Dr. looks him over, checks his chart and prescribes pills for a week and come back.
So, Sid goes back in a Week & says, "Doc, I still can't crap!"
Doc looks at Sid's charts and says, "Sid I see everything here but what you do?"
"I'm a musician." Here's $20 Sid, get some Food," Doc says.
 
My wife goes to the Dr. Says, "can you help me with these headaches?"
Dr. says, "Stand in front of a mirror and keep repeating, I don't have a Headache."
I go to the Bathroom and say, "I have never been married!"
 
Sherriff Dave and his Deputy Donald are out on Undercover patrol. He sends his Deputy' "go get more help."
Soon the Rif Raff spot him and capture his buttock. He knows he is a gonner there beside the old dirt road.
Then Deputy Donald returns to save Sheriff Dave. Out of his Squad pops two very hot hotties. Sherriff
Dave says, "Donald, you idiot I told you to go get the posse!"
 
Karen and Shirley, two recently passed meet in Heaven.
Hi! My name is Shirley.

Hi! I'm Karen. How'd you die?
I Froze to Death.

"How Horrible!"

Shirley says, "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Karen says, "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV."

Shirley says, "So, what happened?

Karen answers, "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement."

"Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive."
 

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